I told you yesterday I'd tell you the story behind my brother, so here goes. We're 13 years apart, for starters.
So when I was 4, he was 17. Bastard.
A few years ago, I was having issues with my fibro, and my ex, so I went back to my shrink. Memories began to surface. Memories about me being four, and my brother, and a giant finger being where no finger should ever be, at that age. I remember the nubby bedspread, the overhead light - and another guy who was there, some friend of his. We were playing some 'game.' And all I can tell you is that it HURT, badly.
When I was thirteen, I went to the gyno, and found out I wasn't a virgin. I always wondered why. Now I know why. What causes people to do such things? Especially to a little sister? I don't know. I do know he also robbed my piggy bank, when I was just a kid... Mom told me that one.
He's the black sheep of the family. He's dealt dope (might still, for all I know.) Faked my dad's name on a loan application for a school loan. They came after Dad on that one.
It's the finger that gets me, that wakes me up in the wee hours. I remember the pain, the confusion. Especially the confusion. Why was I going through this pain? Had I been bad? Did I deserve it somehow? It seemed I did, because he told me "If you go to mom, I'll just tell her you were bad. She'll believe me."
About 7 years ago, when this memory started bubbling up, my mom had broken her neck and was bed bound. I had moved back home to take care of them. I told them about the 'finger.' My mom promptly called my brother and asked him about it. He was horrified of course, and of course he didn't do it.
She believed him. My Dad didn't. My dad knew what he was capable of. And dad told me that two weeks before Mom passed, she admitted what my brother was, and that she believed me. Yes, it really helps to straighten all this out in my mind.
I've mostly gotten past it, altho I realize there is more to the memory. And I want to retrieve it ALL. I want to know everything that happened to me, from the finger on down the line. I don't feel like I can live a peaceful life until I do. I'm considering being hypnotized. That would bring back all the memories, I do hope and pray. Until I remember it, how can I deal with it? My shrink agrees, by the way.
And if my brother happens to read this blog some day? Don't insult me by telling me it never happened. It happened. I remember everything about it. The size of your finger. The pain of it. Oh yes, and the 'pain game.' That one went like this:
Who could pull the other person's finger, and cause more pain? I was 4, you were 17. You do the math. Bet I hurt you a lot, didn't I?
I've gotten past all this. I've forgiven you, but I haven't forgotten. A simple "I'm sorry" would go a long way to heal me. I know I'll never get that, and you know what? That's okay, too. I know what happened, and now a bunch of other people do, too. Oh, and it's in my book coming out. If just one person reads it, remembers a finger in their own life, and gets help for it - my job is done.
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