An Assistant DA with a Rose in her Teeth

Andi: the latest Bachelorette

Andi is going to make a crack Bach, no doubt about that. She’s uncommonly bright for a Bach, gorgeous, and real. Her no-nonsense approach to life is going to make for interesting viewing this season.

Of course she had the habitual drunk: hi, Craig! One has to wonder about such fellows. The Bachelor/Ette series is far from new, and although most men claim not to watch, of course many do. Wouldn’t you, if you were going to appear on the damn thing? Shades of “Survivor” where most boobs show up not even knowing how to make a fire.

Voila! Two major reality no-nos:

• Don’t get drunk the first night on any Bach series
• Don’t go on Survivor without knowing how to make fire.

Oh my, I forgot one.

• Don’t go on Big Brother and be surprised when pictures of your naked arse appear all over the web!

Andi’s guys

Back to the show of the moment, the Bachelorette. Several men were stand-outs, and not all in a good way. I got a massive kick out of Josh, the one who was “embarrassed.” In a Jokers Soup article,  Soup was tickled because they figured Josh couldn't have ever watched the show. Nah! This, for me, is your basic young hot male. Likely it never occurred to Josh that he would be the first to get the boot! Hot young males have fairly simple mental functions, along these lines:

<grunt> “Me see hot woman.” <sniff sniff> “Smell good too.” <Picks at his hair, fluffing it. Pumps up arms. Checks teeth in mirror and is ready to make his move.>

“Yo. Me sensitive dude:  won’t throw you over shoulder and bolt like other dudes. First we have drinks, I pretend interest in your life, and then no need for the whole shoulder thing. Me you’ll follow docile as lamb.” <Puffs out chest at woman: exposes large white teeth.>

On that note, he’s done... he goes back to join the other males, certain of impending rose-dom.

I have to admire Josh’s blunt honesty, though... lord knows I’ve heard enough of “... could have been something so special!” or “I am perfect for her...” ad nauseum. All this over a woman they've known for hours! Of particular note are the ones who actually squeeze out a tear or two.

This season's somber start

This Bachelorette definitively began on a different note: one of sorrow. The loss of Eric Hill, a contestant vying for Andi’s hand, has hit the entire Bach community hard. After a bit of research, I discovered why. This was a guy who knew how to live, really live. He travelled the world constantly, engaged in one adventure after the next. I’m sure that he passed as he would have wanted -- in a paragliding accident. Eric Hill was never going to die of old age on a couch, bless him.

Wrapping it up: Jokers’ take

As usual, there are widely-varying points of view on the new Bach season from Joker folks. I saw “Couldn’t even make it an hour... not impressed with Andi at all..” and, in response, “.. quick-witted and smart... I rather like her.” Jokers can be relied on for such differing outlooks, as well as a dang good laugh!

I get a kick out of the people who really research each show, delving into minute details and sometimes reading the future from them. They’ll find a still shot of a date, for example, where the guy’s head is hidden. It’s obviously a shot from the famous “F2” (Final Two) reveal, and the outcome has been accurately forecast in the past by people who correctly identify a certain ring, the color of a shirt, even the angle of the sun.

During this first episode, Andi was laughing about her constant “y’all” usage. Jokers users think that perhaps production had encouraged the Southern slang to make Andi more “colorful”. Another believes that it makes her “endearing”, instead of the far-overused “amazing” so often uttered. Ne14cookies came up with my personal fav... she read that Bachelor Canada folks said Andi’s guys needed to “give their Pee-Wee Herman ties back!”

Joker's Bach Queen

When a new Bach season begins, Joker’s “Bach Queen” leaps into action. She finds articles everywhere on earth, literally; from tiny USA towns to global stories. She sniffs out Bach clues better than Sherlock Holmes ever could. (Of course he didn't have Google!) And she provides the best fodder for the Bach research crew. She processes hours of Bach video, creating slo-mo versions as well as regular. Her videos and screencaps are to be found anywhere Bach is discussed, along with her brand firmly stamped at the bottom.

Who might this Joker’s Bach Queen be? 20 guesses and the first 19 don’t count, as we say down South. Next week, though, I might attempt to grab an interview from the queen herself. I doubt she’ll actually give up any of her best tricks for acquiring arcane Bach knowledge, but “y’all” can certainly wait and see.

PTSD Journal: What really happened yesterday

Taking avoidance to a new high

I did start this journal yesterday. That is not all that happened, though. Not by a long shot.

Yesterday was my monthly Doc day: I go to my pain doc monthly. It's always hell, but yesterday was incredibly so. And it started so well.

As I leave the house so very often (HAH!) I have rituals I must do before going. Ensure the cell is charged, cigs in purse, keys, credit cards. Shake the cat hair off my jeans LOL! Then sit for ten minutes and breathe, try to calm the shaking which started the minute I began to gather things.

I get to her office with no problems, but once I'm there, the panic hits. They know me well. I don't usually sit in the waiting room. There's a small room with a bed, and they even bring a blanket because along with head-to-foot shaking I get cold as ice. 

I see the doc, learn I've LOST another damn pound, to my horror. My normal 115 is a thing of the past. Wound up hospitalized several times in the last couple of months for what I call 'runaway gut' syndrome: you run like hell! I am down to 92 pounds in the process. Oh no, not true: 91 now.

She writes my prescriptions, I head to the pharmacy upstairs - and the fun begins. For some reason neither of my credit cards work. I call my banker. Do you have a check on you, he asks? In complete panic, I say no.

There's been some idiocy with my cc, and I have to find an actual bank he tells me. He fully knows about me, and he's sorry as hell, but what can he do? I get lucky and learn there happens to be a bank less than a mile away.

Ette gets DOWN at the bank

The panic is so bad I'm one-eyeing it (if you've done that, you know JUST what I mean.) For those of you who haven't, it simply means that everything is spinning so badly that you must clamp one eye shut in order to see. One needs to see to drive: it's one of those things.

I somehow made it to the bank, only to discover it was packed. People were waiting in one of those long, serpentine lines that wind around low posts with plastic bubbles on top. Behind me was a family of Spanish folks, including two small children. Mama was chattering away happily. I hung on to that for a bit, but then as usual, I couldn't.

So, again as usual, down I go onto my haunches. People stare. I grin. "Panic attack, sorry." They mostly grunt and look away, although often I'll get "Breathe. Deeply."

A lot of people have panic, as I have discovered. Otherwise, how is it that so many complete strangers have come to my aid? And known what to do? The kindness of these strangers has truly been wondrous.

I made it to the window, did my thing and - hit the floor again. I chatted with the teller from there, in fact. Finally I got out of there, back to the pharmacy and to my utter delight: HOME. In the door, up the stairs, and boom. Onto the bed. Shake, rock and roll! But I made it.

Today I'm considering making a trip to the store. In six months, this would be Trip #3. We won't discuss 1 or 2, or else 3 won't happen.

Good news for a change: one of my cats is breaking out of his PTSD

Only humans got PTSD, you thought? Think again! Animals get abused as well. (Was I cognizant of this? Hell no. Hell no, or this would have ended the moment I learned.) It is what it is: it's up to me to fix this. I did find an energy worker for animals, and she worked miracles on two out of three of my Siamese.

Yang and Sakkie were fine the very night Sally left, some three months ago. Yin? Not so much. He's been living under my bed. I see him rarely, although I call him all the time. Yin and Yang are identical twins, BTW. Impossible to tell apart until they speak. Yin has a rough, nasal yowl whilst Yang has a sweet voice. (Sakki has a very high voice for a Siamese: a friend of mine cracked that when I had him fixed, his voice went up!)

I digress. Two days ago, Yang came to me in the bathroom, as usual. I patted him, and he spoke. It wasn't Yang! Finally, oh lord finally -- it was Yin. He spoke frantically, as if he'd been holding it back for all these months. (Crying as I type, but for once tears of joy. He's on the road to recovery!) Since, he's been on my bed twice. Unheard of!

As always, funny news: Ette strokes out!

Normally that wouldn't be in the "Lord, that's hilarious" category but there is nothing normal about me! I awoke two days ago with, of all things, a partially-numb lower lip. Instantly I thought I'd had a stroke. I hit Skype, and my Irish best friend Mike (who lives in Hong Kong) was about to go to bed. Until he heard my news, that is. 

It sent the booger into a non-stop laughing jag that came so clearly over Skype that the cats leaped off the bed! "That's one more specific stroke," he finally managed to get out. Yes, I finally saw the humor too. (I'll say this: it's always funnier when it ain't you!)

And that is the news for yesterday.

PTSD Journaling Section: What's THAT about?

What is PTSD?

"PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers." (From the National Institute of Mental Health site.)

That is a very apt description, I'd say. Oddly enough, since I entered the world of PTSD, I have learned that many of my friends (and family of Jokers) also suffer from the evil disease. How does one learn whether one has PTSD or no? A doctor is the only one who can officially label you with that disease, but there are red flags that point directly to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome symptoms.

Here is a list of PTSD side effects. If you seem to tick many more boxes than not, I'd suggest visiting a doctor at your soonest convenience. Like any other disease, PTSD worsens considerably when not treated. Unlike many other diseases, you can die from it - by your own hand. Here is a PTSD Symptom Checklist:

• Lousy sleep (can't get to sleep, can't stay asleep, and/or you don't ever feel as though you've had enough sleep.)
• Frequent nightmares
• Frequent panic attacks
• No-no subjects (subjects you simply cannot address without enduring a panic attack.)
• Avoidance of certain topics (related to no-no subjects. You'll definitely avoid those, but also seemingly-unrelated topics.)
• Hellish depression
• Thoughts of suicide
• Actual suicide attempt(s)
• Unrelenting fear
• Jumpy (a flea fart can send you several feet in the air)
• Inability to complete heretofore simple tasks (you can't open/read your email, get your snail mail, enter a store)
• Inability to leave your home - this one is common.
• Extreme reactions (even if you're normally a mellow type, you find yourself lashing out at people)
• Shaking (my personal favorite: these days I sometimes cannot even sign my name. I make an 'X'.)
• Feelings of overwhelming shame (How did I ever allow this to happen to me? Me of all people? I always thought I was fairly bright. Now I am positive I'm a total, utter fool.)
• Drastic weight gain/loss
• Drug/alcohol dependency

... the list goes on, but these popped into my head. No, I don't need to provide a link. Simply Google "PTSD Symptoms" and these will appear.

So, how many did I check off? All but one. How about that for sucksville? Which one, you ask? I'll let you guess at that one (if anyone ever reads this dreck!)

How is PTSD cured?

Damned if I know! Hasn't happened yet. I'm in therapy with two flavors of docs:

a psychologist administering EMDR 

A psychiatrist administering cognitive therapy.

I vote for the EMDR (in as much as I miss most of my appointments. That whole 'unable to leave the house' thing, you know.) EMDR has something to do with rapid eye movement. Voodoo (my nickname for the psychologist who is doing the EMDR) wags a finger, a la metronome, in front of my nose. My eyes follow it: no head movement whatsoever. He guides my thoughts, or rather encourages me down certain paths by asking questions.

First session was fun! Really fun, and I felt stupendous after it. Raring to go for the next... which was hell. I didn't get over it for a month. Third one was just OK, and the fourth is next week.

The cognitive sucks, period. He just prods me into describing what happened, in nauseating detail. Our list above has something about 'Avoidance', does it not? It's truly hard to avoid a subject that a truly great shrink is equally determined you're going to face.

All of this seems dreadfully familiar to you, but at the same time you're experiencing relief. You're not crazy after all! You have a disease that can be defined and can be cured. 

And you just found a place to discuss it, if you like. Leave comments - I will respond to every one. I can tell you what has and hasn't worked, some of the dangers, and even some legalities involved.

I'm going to leave this post with one legality: perhaps the most important thing I learned. May it help you as it did me.

Ex-parte Order of Protection (or whatever it's called in your state)

Google "order of protection' for your state. The proper terminology will be discussed: you want the 'urgent' one. That one, when awarded by a judge, has an individual hauled out of your house THAT INSTANT. No joke. My predator was informed before I even got home! They were gone a couple of hours later. It will work for you: no, you needn't have current marks on your body. Simply THREATS are sufficient, get me? No I didn't know that: I knew none of this. Learned most people don't.

Did learn 7 women are abused every minute in the States. Yet, 70 percent of women who get those protection orders are never abused again. So, why don't women get the things?

Because, like moi, they weren't aware of a protective order.

Your duty is to pass on 'protective order', ex-parte OP or just 'urgent OP' to everyone you know.

You will very likely save a life in doing so.

My take on Ali (spoilers ahead!): Three Strikes

We've all heard by now that possibly Ali chooses no one. I'm here to say good for her: I get her, I really do.

First we have the Bachelor, and that bitch Vienna. They sure didn't get along, and it didn't make Ali's time on the Bachelor any more fun for her. Then she made that fateful decision to return to work.

Hell, she knew Jake knew all the bad things about Vienna, but was keeping her anyway. To Ali, no doubt, that meant Jake was attached to V. So why stick around and watch it play out, if you're going to lose what is probably a very neat job?

She didn't. She bailed.

What comes next is pure guesswork. Did she really want to go back to Jake? Was it a Fleiss-ism? Who knows, really? But he turned her down, in any case. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, let's say she DID want to go back to him. He says no.

Strike One.

She agrees to become the Bachelorette. For what reason, I'm not sure. Let's again give her the benefit of the doubt, and say she is in it to find herself a man. I can buy that.

She is immediately attracted to Frank, in a big way. Justin gets the bad boy edit, meanwhile. And she's told about Justin by numerous guys, you can bet. But muchly like Jake keeping Vienna in spite of all he heard from the other girls, Ali has found something she likes in Ratboy Justin.

Enough of a something to keep him on the show, in spite of what she's heard. Mind you, he's cute and he's fucking slick, he really is. =I= might have fallen for his BS, and hello, I'm gay. LOL

I say Ali has fallen for him, a bit or a lot, I'm not sure (and neither is anybody else.) What we all DO know (Thanks, Steve) is that Ratboy Justin has not one, but TWO women waiting on him to get out of that house. TWO women, mind you. Neither of whom knew about the other, but both of whom knew about Ali. (Dummies, to let your man go on the Bachelorette show. Pure dummies. But that's another story.)

One of these women gets in contact with Ali via another woman she slightly knows (I think she knew her.) And... things go BOOM in Turkey. Ali learns that Ratboy has two other women, one of which is crying on the phone with her.

Ali literally chases his ass off the show (I can't WAIT to see that!!) and there's an end to Ratboy 1.

Strike 2.

Finally, in a date on Tahiti (as I understand it,) Ratboy 2, Frank, pulls the rug out from under Ali yet AGAIN. He has a girlfriend he loves and misses. Now this one really hurts her. She was really into Frank, where she was probably only bad boy into Justin. She clicked with Frank from that first date under the Hollywood sign. Really clicked with him. No matter that most of US think he's an ugly geek, Ali had the ferocious hots for him.

And who knows? She may well have that the ugly, quirky geek was her safest bet not to have her heart broken. After all, you can BELIEVE Justin has two other women chasing him. But FRANK? It's a stretch for ONE other woman to be chasing his ugly ass, if you ask me. But it happens, he ditches her...

Strike Three.

She's out. Of love, that is. She was into Jake: he didn't take her back. Ratboy Justin had a flock of women waiting to call her. Ratboy 2, Frank, had some ex lover he wanted to get back with. So =he= ditched her, too.

If it was you, how much trust would you have in men, right about now? That's THREE strikes. Three legitimate strikes, inside one year. I'd say she has a wall up around her heart that NO ONE is going to get past, for years, if then. I truly feel sorry for her.

Why should she believe Chris L. or Roberto, when they profess to love her (if they do?) She just had three strikes. Even the ugly geek dumped her, bless her heart. So I can see her withdrawing into her shell, and picking no one. Can't you, really? She was terrified BEFORE that someone wasn't going to love her back. She obviously has a not good history with men. But NOW? No way. No way is she going to trust somebody in so brief a time, and being jerked all over the planet into the bargain.

We all know that strenuous travel is THE ideal way to fall in love. All those passport lines are so romantic (especially in a place like Turkey. Could they have found any more odd places to drag her? Iceland and TURKEY?) I used to live in Iran. They're not big on blondes in that neck of the woods.

When it comes down to it, likely she's exhausted from all the travel, the stress of meeting various families (and who knows what happens on THOSE dates? Families can be so charming - NOT. So that's more stress for her.

And finally, all this stress and the three strikes leads her to be standing in some beautiful spot with a single rose. Waiting to be proposed to. Or allowing the dude to propose.

What if she lets Chris go, and Roberto, in Strike Four, simply will NOT propose? Can you imagine? It would make her feel she was right all along, he's too hot for her. (News flash: he ain't ALL THAT.)

What if somehow he DOES propose? After three strikes like that, what would YOU do? I'd tell him I need time, badly. That I'm exhausted from all the travel and the BS (might not put it like that, but you get the idea.) Then I'd tell I'm gay and to stick the rose.

No, that's another show entirely. On our show, I'd say I need TIME. And lots of it. That's if I haven't completely lost faith in mankind at this point. I'd say if you can wait a while, we'll see what happens when we get back to our normal lives.

If she had BALLS, she'd say this to Chris L too. Tell him she's not giving out a rose, she needs more time with BOTH men. (Who knows? Her contract may not let her do this. But knowing Ali, she could find a way.)

So there you have it. She could: Pick neither (and be totally justified, 3 strikes later) Pick both (and ask for time) or just pick Roberto, and beg for time. What do I think she's going to do?

Those three strikes are pretty damning. Along with a trip around the world to totally wear her out.

I think she's going to pick nobody. At most, she'll dangle Roberto off the end of the Lets be Friends and See Where It Goes chain.

But that's just me. What do YOU guys think?

Spoilers ahead - the rats abound

Before I start with tonight's ep, let me say this: the rats abound, on poor Ali's season. No wonder she's afraid of love. That woman's instinct is NOT failing her. She realizes some aren't there for the right season. Too bad she didn't listen to the other guys, about Justin. And too bad his girlfriend didn't call in sooner. According to Steve, that was set up. I don't know about that of course. I do know it would be better for Ali if BOTH rats had come forward much, much sooner.

No wonder she didn't pick anyone, if she really didn't. She's scared shitless of being hurt, and look what happens to her. Not once, but TWICE during her season.

I started this not liking her, for how she treated that other girl, but I'm ending up feeling just sorry for her.

On with the ep!

Kasey is sure Iceland is the place to share that ridiculous tattoo. Here's a clue: if you want a woman, do NOT have a tattoo of a heart and symbols of eleven other guys on your wrist. LMAO it's so idiotic. The only worse thing he could have done, is put that shield on his cock. Can you imagine? hehehehheh "This is to shield the most important part of me, which will belong to you." No, I didn't go there... I didn't say anything about needles (but I'm thinking it roflol!)

Let's count the times she says My biggest concern is will he love me back. One right away at the beginning of the ep, as we see the gorgeous scenery in Iceland. The first thing the guys have to do, in one hour, is write a love poem to Ali. Icelandic language gets extra points. Justin has no luck finding someone to translate for him. No one else has trouble.

Kirk's poem blows her away. Truthfully, it WAS the best. And he DID walk right up to her and say it. Craig R was at least funny. Kasey was a dud, no one understood him. Yet he's sure, positive, he's getting that rose. The next few poems are dreadful, only way to put it.

The worst is yet to come. Chris didn't even remember his lines. His was pathetic. Kirk's blew everyone away. Well done to him! It was evident she was gonna pick him. Even Frank liked it and he was sure he was the best. His wasn't bad, but Kirk's rocked.

Kirk is a cutie, and I don't get why he doesn't make it much much further, but we know he doesn't. He might HAVE had it not been for the rats, Frank and Justin. I hear next week we find out about rat 1: Justin. This rips Ali to shreds, and I feel dreadful for her. She's pissed on the previews, but she picked him over someone else on the two on one; she has to be kicking herself. They should bring Tattoo Idiot back. He was better than a rat.

Kirk and Ali have a really neat date in Reykavic (excuse the spelling, no doubt.) They laugh and carry on in the sweater shop, and wind up in the same damn sweater lol. He finally tells her about the dreaded mold, after she KNEW he was holding something back. She's a bright chick. She knew something was there. Why didn't she see thru Justin and Frank?

Back at the ranch, we find out that Justin and Kasey are going on the two on one. Arch enemies, you know THIS will be interesting. You also realize she's gonna see that tattoo, and that's going to be the end of Kasey. Hell, I'd have ditched him for less than that (his voice bothers me. Would you want to marry a guy who talks like Donald Duck? I didn't THINK so.) "That's why I got this tattoo. To be someone. To be a man." There's a new one on me. You gotta have a tattoo to be a man? Truthfully, before I decided I was gay, I went out with hundreds of men. Not a one of them had a tattoo. I personally don't LIKE tats, at all. And even less so on women. *Lydia on Big Brother was a fine woman, I'd have done her, except for alllllll those tats she had.

Back to Bach. The group date includes horses, and Ty shines. Even in the cave he rocked it. Of course he got the rose, and well deserved it was, too. He even helped other dudes on the horses, as they made asses of themselves (pun intended lol)

Frank hung out at the back of the pack, not bothering for some reason to go near Ali. She notices it. And calls him on it. At the Blue Lagoon, no less. I loved when Ali strips. She is one more hot female in that bikini. Ali jumps on Frank for hanging back on group dates, and he apologizes. Dummy.

Finally we're to the two on one. Tattoed man says he means what he says, and he'd go thru any pain to be with Ali. Doofus. How could he possibly think a tat would do the deed and turn her on? With those eleven symbols.

And Rat 1 is saying how he wants to be the only one in the copter with Ali. For more screen time, perhaps? For me, he's had enough. I'm glad after next week I don't need to see his rat face anymore.

Meanwhile they're looking at that incredible volcano. I'm envious. It's splendid.

And at the end of the date, sure enough, poor Kasey is standing on the glacier whilst the rat flies off with Ali. There IS no justice. Sure, he's an idiot, but his heart is in the right place (more than I can say for the rat, with his two girlfriends back home. Not even one. TWO. Neither of whom knew about the other. What a scuzzbucket Justin is. And he'll never make it in wrestling. Doofus.

BTW Ali is sort of freaked, when she sees that tattoo. Those eyes go wide. ROFLOL I'd have had to have said "So you think ink is the way to my heart? Th-ink again."

Then it's the cocktail party. Ali reconnects with Rat 2 (Frank.) I feel terrible for her, if I haven't said that before. She keeps saying she's afraid of love, and why the fuck not? Look what she's dealt with. These guys are supposed to be there for HER. You and me, we know it's a Fleiss special. But Ali is hoping to fall in love, and more importantly, BE LOVED. With two strikes against her before the show even ends.

Embarrassing moment of the night: Chris's moment with her at the party. Boy can't even open his mouth, and is stiff as - well, let's just say he's stiff! ;) Their body language is so telling the other guys notice it. This is an ungood thing, and we all know who ain't getting the rose tonight. Too bad. If not for the rats, this cutie could have perhaps stuck around and loosened up some. (Up till now, it's like he has a board up his ass roflol)

Sure enough, Ali has a wee talk with Host Chris, and tells him she's terrified of not being loved. Shit that he is, (He for sure knows about BOTH rats,) he reassures her. Me, I'd have said "Shitcan Justin, there's a good start for you. And next week? Shitcan Frank. Then you're all gold." But noooooooo. "You can't go through this with that fear," the little wimp tells her. Of all the nerve. Knowing what's coming, yet he can say that.

And we wonder why she didn't pick anybody? (If indeed she didn't, Steve isn't sure about that.) We know she thinks Roberto is too good looking. She even told him she wouldn't go up to him in a bar because "he's too hot." Bless her heart, does she think she's chopped liver? Evidently she does. Switch teams, Ali - I'm right here waiting :D

Now comes the RC. We all know what's coming. Who ain't gonna get that rose. This is easy for Ali. (It should be easier. If only she knew what WE know, she'd shitcan a rat.

She says she needs to trust her gut and her instinct. She sure does. Maybe hers ain't working so well?

And the RC itself. Ty Kirk and Justin already have roses. A rat has a rose :( How unfair is that? I have the terrible feeling she's falling for Rat 1 and Rat 2 both.

So, the first rose goes to Rat 2, Frank. Awful. Second rose to Chris L, who she should marry. She really should. Or next bach, maybe? Third rose to Roberto. She could marry HIM too (or next bach?) And it's the final rose. Long faces, as usual. Lawyer looks nervous. He doesn't need to be, as she calls out "Craig."

Poor Chris looks like he's been shot between the eyes. Just in shock. She made a HUGE mistake. Kill a rat first, girlfriend. Listen to the guys in the house.

Chris is shattered, he says. She missed out on a lot she would have learned over time. He says it's tough to lose such a good girl. The worst pain anyone ever wants to experience.

Ali doesn't look happy, and says it's going to get harder. Then she says they're going to Turkey (Where, aptly, she loses a turkey. Imagine THAT.)

And so it goes.

2 Bachelor Eps for the price of one!

So, Ali and Roberto don't fall for each other, but they fall for each other. Makes sense, right?

He is just so very cute. He takes good care of her... except when he made her lean over to kiss him. A manly man woulda leaned over to kiss her. STRIKE 1!

Meanwhile, adorable Chris L finally gets a date. A group date. "Come rock my world." Something to do with a band, I'd have to say. Not the most romantic of dates...

Kasey doesn't get to go. He is upset because it has to do with music and he can't show her his voice. Guys, listen up. If you have a speaking voice as bad as Kasey's, the last damn thing you want to do is sing to her. Bet she guessed THAT one, LOL!

I know this is a shocker, but Roberto gets the rose. Big surprise. The next scenes look like a lot of smooching in a music video. More romantic than I thought.

So the Weatherman discovers he has to, mind you, HAS to kiss Ally in a scene. Bless his little heart, he's nervous. Excitement I'd understand, but he's nervous to kiss her? Give me a break. Beginning to think ole Craig had a point.

Chris L finally tells her about his mom. Major awww scene, except the way it was shot, they were LAUGHING while he was telling her. Bizarre. Did you guys notice that?

Weatherman tries to hook up with her, and she's rescued by someone. Weatherman, after your sour performance, tears and all, during the music video - I bet, somehow, you don't get this group date rose. Or any OTHER rose, lmao! What is she thinking, if she gives this dud a rose? On top of everything else, he's damned SHORT. And I mean SHORT.

Back at the ranch, Hunter learns he has the one on one. Dunno about you, but he's some more weird looking. Looks like he was pasted together out of a few different dudes. (Now I'll learn he was in a car wreck, and had massive face surgery done. Guilt, much?)

Kirk goes for another kiss in the hot tub. "What we had, felt real. What was real, we had." Or something like that. She puts up with the kiss, but I don't think she's into it. He sure is a cutie though. She says she likes his energy, he makes her feel safe.

Meanwhile, methinks Weatherman is in tears again ROFL

Big shock, Kirk gets the rose. Maybe she got into it, once it started. At the beginning of that kiss, she wasn't feelin it.

Justin crutches his way to Ali's place. SPOILER in this next paragraph, skip two paras if you don't want a spoiler.

Man I'd think he was into her, if I didn't know better. What a perfect SHIT this dude is. He's slicker than snail snot on a doorknob, too. I'd totally believe that act if it weren't for Reality Steve.

Hunter got screwed on the dates. He gets to go to Ali's place and dine in. After all these exotic dates... roflol poor Pasto! Uh oh. Ali just said "Something's off." That means, to me, Pasto is off into the wild blue yonder at the end of this date. (and no, I don't remember what RS said about this date!) They sure don't look like they have a connection, but I didn't think Kirk had one either, and HE got a rose.

Back at the ranch, Justin is BSing the boys. They buy it, I bet. After all, he IS slick. Hell, I'd buy it.

Ali is giving the ditch speech, I do believe. She tells Hunter he's amazing, but no rose. Yep, that's what I thought. Good for Ali. He's a dud.

The next section, the guys find out that Justin hopped to Ali's place. They better NOT be upset, just because they were too damn dumb to have thought of it.

At the cocktail party, Justin just keeps gettin slicker. How he pulls all this off, I dunno. He should get an Emmy for this, he really should. Acting, here comes Justin. Hell, why not? He looks great, lies like a dog. What else does he need? LOLOL

Steve *Who is he, anyway? gets points for the picnic, but loses them all when he can't open the damn champagne. Even =I= could do that, and I'm a world-renowned putz.

Meanwhile, Ty has nailed Justin. Good for Ty. Hope he's there for her when it all goes south.

And Frank keeps on moaning. Jesus, does he ever let up?

Another uh oh moment. Roberto learns, via Ali, that Justin walked to her house. The shit will now, officially, hit the fan. Why, I dunno. Like I said before, those other dummies should have thought of doing it. If a dude on CRUTCHES could do it, so could they. Dummies.

Craig R. says he's a bullshit detector, that's what he does for a living. (Now I'm going to have to go check Dreamer's stickies and find out what he does for a living.) He's a lawyer. Duh, I should have figured that out on my own. Believe it or not, Justin actually chokes out a tear or two. He really IS good. He is sitting outside, alone, when Chris comes in to announce the RC, a fact which I'm sure Ali sees. And pities him, as he wishes.

Justin gets what appears to be the last rose. She ditched John C and Steve, who looks sort of like a possum. WTG Ali, but you should have ditched Justin. His walk made all the difference, I'm sure.

Now for Round 2 :)

New York, a makeover, yet they don't get rid of the extensions. Her first date is with Kasey the Fart Guarder, oh I guess that is Heart Guarder.

OMG no he isn't singing. She's laughing, uncomfortably. Terrible voice, even worse than his awful speaking voice. Very cool date, museum. He scares the crap out of her. Might not have been the best idea.

Justin doesn't get a date. Will he get the one on one?

Back to Ali's date with the Snore, he's so boring. Oh Jeez, he's singing again. Wrong idea, dude. She doesn't look impressed with him. She should NOT waste a rose on him. Lordie she just called him a fake and said no rose. I'm liking Ali more every moment. But somehow, she kept his ass, with no rose. Interesting.

The whole thing with the Lion King was cheesy, and of course the producer picks Roberto for the date (he's the only one smart enough to have sung directly to Ali. Off key, but direct.)

Frank is watching in agony, so is Weatherman, as they practice to perform. Weatherman's worst moment is yet to come, when Kirk takes a sick Ali back to her room. He's matching Frank in paranoia, these days. Both of them are SUCH duds, lol. Can't believe she hasn't gotten rid of Weatherman yet. Next RC for sure, he goes, I betcha.

Kirk gets a sick Ali on his birthday, and manages to find chicken soup and flowers for her. They discuss his passed Mom some more, something difficult for him. I feel for him, having been there myself.

Poor Ali looks totally wretched. All these DUMMIES kissing her. No matter how good they look, would you kiss someone THAT sick? Sure as hell I wouldn't, even if it was Ellen (I've got the hots in a bad way for Ellen, LOL!)

Meanwhile back at the suite, Kasey has gone missing. (Methinks he's going to need to visit Dr. Will, after this show airs.)

Chris and Ali end their date with a neat concert. He's really into her, and he's a fine specimen. SPOILER alert, skip to next para. I know he's F2, I hope he's F1! I love Roberto, though, too. Hard choice for her, for sure. But Chris was really decent when she was sick.

OMFG the weatherman is NOT playing the guitar at the cocktail party. Yes he is, and it's rainy skies ahead. He's a miserable singer. And as for this poor shmuck with the tattoo... unreal.

Ty tells the truth when he says Kasey is getting crazier by the minute. 11 stones on the shield, for the 11 guys who are left. Dr. Will, here he comes. LMAO (For those of you who don't watch Big Brother, Dr. Will removes tattoos.)

OMG and then Frank interrupted him showing his tattoo, so he might get the boot and she'll never have seen it. Balless wonder, he should have told Frank "Hold on one minute," and shown her then. Now he deserves to get the boot.

wow, she gave him (supposedly) the last rose. The weatherman got the boot, FINALLY. wooie. Jessie got the boot too, but didn't seem to mind.

All in all, except for Kasey, she's pretty well set up for a trip to Europe - except I fully expect half the dudes to have the creeping crud!

March 9: TAR: Burp that Sauerkraut!!

The cowboys are smart enough to hit a travel agency and get tickets to Germany, first thing. The hats are doing their thing :)
The gay team and one other team misses the train by seconds in Germany. The cops and the cowboys, who had sort of teamed up, make it to Hamburg first. It's dark, it's night.
There is an Intersection. Teams must join with another team to complete the next challenge. The Hats rip into the clue. They call to the Cops, who are wandering around. Teams must go to Hamburg Harbor to complete a 150 foot bungee. Joe and Heidi, Steve and Allie work together. Heidi says they come from a good family. Team Dummy gets set up, and Jordan will do the actual jump. They promptly get on the wrong train, and have to turn around.
Then they're off to the statue of Kaiser Wilhelm for the next clue. Much screaming happening in the bungee, by the way. Dan was WONDERFUL with Brandy. What a wonderful man. She was totally terrified.
I think with these teams pairing up they could be a force to look out for.
Soccer or Sauerkraut is the clue. In Soccer, they have to kick and hit 5 goals. In Sauerkraut, as a band plays, they have to eat a whole plate of the crap before the song ends. If they don't finish, they have to start all over again. I hate the stuff. Wouldn't choose THAT one.

The Cops totally jammed down the Sauerkraut. Didn't leave a piece of it, and finished well before the song ended. EWWWWWWWWW nasty stuff lmao. Don't know HOW they ate it. Ever have the canned stuff? I did, my mom loved it. NASTY lol.

Next is the Haifish Bar. They have to drink a bunch of beer here, to get a clue from the barmaid. The cops are SLUGGING down the beer. One of them says "Nasty. I don't drink beer." I feel his pain. I only ever take a sip if I'm really thirsty.

Joe and Heidi are going to do the soccer. Clothes are all laid out for them. They're not doing a good job. His knee is killing him from the bungee. Reckon he should have thought of that BEFORE picking this particular challenge? Might have to start calling THEM the dummies, after tonight.

Team Dummy goes for sauerkraut, and I feel bad things are in store for them. Steve and Allie kick their goals, and are off for the bar. Joe still can't kick the ball up in the air, with his bad knee. They decide to switch and go eat sauerkraut, after wasting a hell of a lot of time. Jet/Cord and the Hats show up to do some kicking.

The hats aren't kicking badly at all, whilst Team Dummy is in a taxi, hoping they're going the right way. The cops are burping and chugging, on top of all that sauerkraut. Can you say barf scene coming?

The cops finish the beer, and are off to Beatles Platz, where they have to run through the red light district looking for a tiny bar where the Beatles played. Place looks like a maze, too. Cops should have this one. Oh, and this is the pitstop.

The gay couple chooses the Sauerkraut, and they're off in a taxi (with an execrable German accent.) Meanwhile, Team Dummy is in the middle of nowhere, still in the taxi, which is bullshitting them and telling them he isn't lost. LOL Jordan says they should have done soccer. Jeff says we'd have wound up in Switzerland. The taxi has a GPS which really ain't working for them. Putting them badly behind...

The cops hit the pitstop. They won 5 grand each. Delighted now.

Steve hits the beer. Allie says how delighted he was with the challenge. The hats are still kicking. They score. Steve also does the beer, delighted. Joe and Heidi show up at sauerkraut. She says they eat it at tailgaiting. They know the hats are behind them. They inhale it well. Still Team Dummy is in middle of nowhere. Stupid cab. Poor J/J. Team Gay is slamming down sauerkraut. One of them is eating piece by piece. She says something about gag reflex rofl.

Dan and Jordan do the soccer, not badly. Team gay finishes the kraut. Off to the bar they go, happily. One of the hats has never drunk a beer in his life. This bodes well, roflol. Joe and Heidi finish the beer whilst the hats are suffering. Team Dummy has found a hamburger joint that does NOT look right. But it is. And that awful song starts, and they start eating. Team Dummy can't finish the kraut, so they're off to kick balls. Caite does a kick, and is in pain in her thighs. She's in tears. Been playing soccer forever and can't even kick.

The hats and Jet and Cord finish their beer, and so does Team Gay. Burping loudly. The hats hit the red light district and say "We're no longer in the Bible belt." ROFL Good one. Team Dummy is now kicking. They're not doing so well. Others are chugging beer. And doing better. Carol and Brandy are team 5. Looking bad for the Team Dummy :( My favorite team better NOT get eliminated.

Brent, the obligatory barf scene. Team dummy burping up sauerkraut. Team dummy finishes their beer, but they'd better hope this is a non elimination round. Brent and Caite think they've lost, but that's up for the Dummies :( NON ELIM LEG!!!!!!!!!!!

They have to face a speed bump, they're told. Not what it is. But it should be good.

On to the previews. Teams play World War 1 games. One team gets U turned, and I hear Jeff say "This is ridiculous." They better NOT U turn my Dummies lol
Aaron adds: Hopefully I will have more to add about this season of TAR next week. I am just having a hard time finding a team that stands out for me to really root for. I am just not seeing personalities like I did in seasons past. That and Jeff and Jordan get little air time.